September 11, 2018:

What's this dude thinking? Something is entirely dubious.

I kinda remember going to the studio with my mom. It was in downtown La Mesa, with a door from the street leading to a large, dark space lit by photographers lamps with reflectors. I kinda think the assistant was trying to get me to laugh by pretending to make a stuffed animal fly, or something equally patronizing, and I was thinking, "Oh fuck off."

There's a surprising quality of independence to this image. He appears far more self-possessed than I typically remember. Yet it's true, he really was. While dependent for love and approval, I early developed contrarian points of view, for example, the perfectly easy willingness to irritate the fuck out of everyone simply because it amused me. It's a strong memory. I've written about it here, and again here.

What changed later was the forms this contrarianism took. From independence it became rebellion; from rebellion, subversion, finally revolution: an essentially unbroken arc of development leftward as education and experience came to undermine the whole fucking pie shop.

Today, I like this kid. He has a good heart, a sharp mind. He needed a more conducive environment. For that he required both luck and revolution. An alleatory development, as Le MaƮtre might say.