July 29, 2003:

Ordinarily, the President would have addressed a Joint Session of Congress, televised in Prime Time. Congress however hadn't been included on the passenger list, which was not normally a regret of the President's. In this case the assembled people would have to do, minus, of course, Gilligan and Mary Ann, who remained incarcerated in New Camp X-Ray.

Fellow Americans.

In the normal course of events, Presidents report to you on the state of the Nation. Tonight, no such report is needed. It has already been delivered by yourselves, the American people.

We have seen it in the courage of passers-by, who rushed terrorists to protect our way of life. We have seen it in the endurance of our citizens, inconvenienced but not defeated by terrorist blackmail. My fellow citizens, in the days since the onset of this terrible terrorist assault we have seen for ourselves the state of our Nation — and it is strong. (Applause.)

Tonight we are a country awakened to danger, and called to defend freedom. Our shock has turned to anger, and anger to resolution. Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or bring justice to our enemies, justice will be done. (Applause.)

In launching this strike, enemies of economic freedom committed an act of war against our way of life. At the end of that day night fell on a different world, a world where freedom itself is under attack.

Americans have many questions tonight. Americans are asking, who are these people, who attacked our livelihoods? Who attacked our enterprise, our goods, our property, our futures? The evidence we have gathered all points to a pair of individuals, loosely affiliated with each other, loyal to a heinous and backward-looking ideology.

Associations of special interests — I will not utter the despicable "U" word (applause) — are to economic terrorism what the mafia is to crime. But the goal of this movement is not making money; its goal is remaking the world — and imposing its radical beliefs on people everywhere.

These economic terrorists practice a fringe of labor extremism that has been rejected by responsible labor leaders for generations. We have one of the most responsible of those leaders with us here tonight. You all know my Butler, Tony. (Applause. Tony stands in the audience, waiving.) I hope you'll all have the chance to be serviced by Tony as expertly as I have been. (Applause.)

These economic terrorists practice a fringe of labor extremism that perverts the peaceful ideals of bread-and-butter economism. The special interests' directive commands them to blackmail all Americans, and make no distinction among military and civilians, including women and children.

Before the end of the world, the group and its leader — a person named Karl Marx — were linked to many organizations in different countries, including many of the so-called "labor parties" in Europe and elsewhere. There were thousands of these economic terrorists in countries around the globe. They were recruited from their own nations and neighborhoods and brought to camps in places like this island, where they were trained in the tactics of terror. They were sent back to their homes or sent to hide in obscure corners, to plot evil and destruction.

We have experienced the results. America's people have been brutalized. Many are hungry, for there are none to prepare meals for them. Many are dirty, for there are none to clean their homes, and their clothes, and their streets. Many are tired, for they are unused to the rigors of demanding physical labor. All are threatened in their livelihoods, their property, and their freedom.

Tonight, the United States of America makes the following demands on the terrorists. Return to work. Pledge never to organize again in this radical and heinous way. Agree never to use the evil "U" word again. (Applause.)

These demands are not open to negotiation or discussion. (Applause.) The blackmailers must act, and act immediately. They must end their illegal and immoral association, or face the most prejudicial consequences. (Applause.)

Americans are asking, why do they hate us? They hate what we see right here in this village. They hate our freedoms — our freedom to own property, to accumulate wealth, to make decisions without bureaucracy and red tape and government interference. (Applause.) They hate our steadfast championship of the little guy, of Joe Main Street. They hate our opposition to inheritance taxes and dividend taxes and all the other manifestations of immoral, socialistic redistribution of wealth. They hate us because they are selfish. They value their petty special interests over the common weal and collective welfare. They hate us because they are evil, and they hate us because we are good. (Applause.)

Our nation has been put on notice: we are not immune from blackmail. We will take defensive measures against economic terrorism to protect enterprise-loving Americans. Tonight I announce the full suspension of habeas corpus, already implicit in our pre-end-of-the-world policies. (Applause.) Tonight Americans can rest assured that this administration will arrest anyone it deems threatening, and hold them forever, without counsel, without end, without identifying them, telling no-one we have them, for as long as we choose. (Applause.)

Tonight, the future of civilization hangs in the balance. We choose freedom. (Applause.)

Tonight, we are not content to defend our liberties. We take the war home to the terrorists. (Applause.) Tonight I have asked our four distinguished Supreme Court Justices for an injunction under the Taft-Hartley Act prohibiting further association or action or meeting or discussion by the terrorists of anything at all. (Applause.) And I assure you, we'll keep them under lock and key, night and day, for as long as it takes them to learn the error of selfishness. (Applause.)

Great harm has been done to us. We have suffered great loss. And in our grief and anger we have found our mission and our moment. Freedom and fear are at war. The advance of human freedom — the great achievement of our time, and the great hope of every time — now depends on us. Our nation — this generation — will lift a dark threat of violence from our people and our future. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail. (Applause.)

In all that lies before us, may God grant us wisdom, and may He watch over the United States of America.

Thank you.

(Prolonged applause.)

Turd Blossom was pleased with the speech. Potty Mouth's softening poll numbers would hold for a few more days. But Turd Blossom was worried, for he understood clearly the one fact this rhetorical smoke-and-mirrors was designed to obscure. The terrorists were winning.