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"Don't fret yore purdy head none, little filly!"
Please note that if a quotation from the late great Dan Blocker appears just above this automated notice, this means the error has been properly logged and those responsible will be shot — that is, notified.
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You'd be surprised how often this happens. I was walking home from school one day when who should I see sitting on the fence in front of Lorrie Brown's house but, you guessed it, Satan Lord of Darkness. I knew it was him 'cause he had horns and hoofs and a tail and was breathing fire and was all oogly and everything. And I thought, you know, "Holy shit, this could be bad..." But I remembered my mom telling me the worst thing you could ever do when confronted by a wild animal or a Lord of Darkness or whatever was to act scared. So I puffed my chest out real big and walked right up to him, or Him, or whatever, and said "Hey devil dude, like, fuck you. You asshole."
Well, in hindsight that was maybe a mistake. 'cause his face, or His face, or whatever, turned even more oogly and flames spurted out both ears and I thought I heard this real raspy, snarly, wheezing little goat-like laugh. And he or He or whatever pointed his or His or whatever finger at me and, WHOOOOOSH!, clobbered me right in the chest with a stream of red hot flames.
So, there I was, standing with my shirt on fire and my skin melting off and my hair all charcoaly and everything, looking like, you know, a schmuck; and thinking, "Ow! That really hurt!" And wondering, "What am I gonna do to get the heck out of this dumb mess?" Well, I remember my mom telling me that, just when you least expect it, what should happen but divine intervention, or Divine Intervention, or whatever; and suddenly an idea came to me like, I swear, from without. Or Without, or whatever. "Me," I thought, thinking to myself, "time to go into FULL ATTACK MODE!" You know what I'm sayin'? Like, act all crazy and berserk and everything and convince this guy that, no matter how bad he messed me up, I was gonna get a piece of him.
So, like, I picked up this gnarly-ass honkin' tire iron that was lying on the curb next to Lorrie's brother's truck. He had this totally wonked-out, useless LameMobile he was always saying he was gonna fix up and blah de blah blah. So I'm standin' there thinkin', "Lucky for me that dumbfuck left his dumbfuck tire iron lying by the gutter. What a fuckin' idiot!" So I pick up this big-ass hunk of metal and slope toward the dude or The Dude or whatever with the thing raised high over my head like I'm gonna radically brain his ass or His Ass or whatever like totally bigtime.
So what does he or He or whatever do but whip out the most evil-lookin' wicked gasoline-powered chainsaw you ever set eyes on and — GRRRRING! — he saws off the arm I'd been holding the iron with! Holy shit! Well... I guess you could say I was still holding it, cause there it was clenched tight in my white-knuckled fist. Only problem was, the arm which was attached to the fist was no longer attached to the rest of me. "Bummer," I thought.
I have to say, you would have been proud, given how stacked the odds were. I made it two, three, four steps before he or He or whatever mowed my legs out from under me with that damn chainsaw thing. WHUMP-WHUMP! So now I'm lying face down on the sidewalk, still waiving that dumbfuck tire iron around as threateningly as I could manage under the circumstances. When what do I hear but that same raspy, snarly, wheezing little goat-like laugh, and BZZZZZT!, BZZZZOP!, he or He or whatever like saws off not only my one remaining good arm, but also my head!, leaving my limbless and headless trunk spurting fountains of sticky blood in all directions in the middle of the sidewalk. I knew because I could see it clearly from nearby, from like, totally sidewalk-level, lookin' from outta my newly-severed head.
So there I lay. And there, and way over there. Thinking, you know, "Sheesh! How am I ever gonna get out of this dumb mess?" When, suddenly! — you'll never guess this part, this is like, really really cool — suddenly out of nowhere —
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