Mark's Pages

April 28, 2003:

The gossip girls imply: life is for workbreaks.

Short and tall. Short: dowdy like a dumpling, square head, lime green sun dress with ruffles. Tall: orange-haired, freckled, hook-nosed, pallid, stooped, with envious green eyes that imply great cunning.

Trailing whispers as they pass your cube. Fragments: "She thought..." "They don't..." "She's just like..." Snickers, whispered, whispered, malicious and mean.

These are people who in time will come to dislike you, with that passionate intensity born of fear. You don't like to gossip. You're good at what you do. You generally tell the truth. You like most people on principle, until you catch them lying, or gossiping, or being bad at what they do.

Is this what "good" and "evil" mean, in the practical state? Think about everyone you've ever considered "evil." What were their qualities? Envy, spite, petty maliciousness. Is "evil" a synonym for "small"?

You used the word "evil" approvingly back then. Your new friends were "so evil" — you'd say that in your characteristic small-child sing-song, as if you thought they were as fun as frozen yogurt or a swim in the cool pool on a summer's day. The leader of the pack was a professional process server who loved bringing bad news into the lives of strangers. You told me a story about him. He once served a priest, who said, "Son, you don't need to be so happy about it." This anecdote was a source of great personal pride, apparently. I don't know that I would call this "evil" so much as malicious, in a petty way. The word "small" comes to mind.

Is this what she became? Small? Was it you who did it to her? Was she ever more?

Is this why she fears you? The same reason the gossip girls will fear you too, in time?