Mark's Pages

May 16, 2004:

I don't want to be in love. For me it's always been a form of insanity. I can't function apart from my lover and if there's ever a disagreement it's like the sky is falling. I become so tense I can barely sputter.

But I do want to be married. I want the loyalty and companionship of a warm-hearted relationship with a friend who likes me and hopes to see me do well in life. Who wants to share our time in this world in a way that helps us both do better. Who smiles when I enter the room.

For years I believed that more than anything I wanted the communion I knew with my closest friend slash soul-sister. The ability to talk about anything comfortably, no matter how deep or private or threatening, with the certainty that we would each understand what the other said. I felt such hunger for that depth of contact, sometimes so much loneliness without it.

Now I strongly believe that respect is more important than understanding. Understanding combined with contemptuous behavior is a form of hell which perhaps only soul-mates can truly appreciate. I don't want a soul-mate. I want an ally.

Actually I'm a lot funnier in person.