Mark's Pages

May 24, 2004:

Two conceptions of relationship.

1. A space where comfort means the ability to say or do anything one feels regardless of its impact on one's partner. The partner's responsibility is to refuse to take seriously things which otherwise would be offensive or hurtful.

2. A space where comfort means freedom from the need to be guarded, because each participant is confident of not being egregiously wounded. Each partner's responsibility is to shield the other from as much of life's random hurtfulness as possible, starting with their own.

It seems to me that the key difference between these outlooks is the role of respect. Explicit respect isn't necessary to the first. By my use of the term it's the cornerstone of the second.

My questions about the first are, why would I want to spend time with anyone who makes me feel bad about myself? Shouldn't the people I'm closest to be those who treat me with the most consideration?

My question about the second is, aren't we being just a wee bit over-sensitive?

I don't know the answers. I'm simply observing that these two antinomic approaches to romance are like bookends bracketing much of the unhappiness I've known in this life.