Mark's Pages

May 25, 2004:

Your response is by now a well-worn path.

First, repression. Your job is to be the patient one. Maybe you're being over-sensitive. You knew what the situation was before you agreed to enter into it.

Second, revolt. Once it becomes bad enough, a tipping-point. Frustration, anger: refusal to accept that this is the only life available to you. Sometimes the moment is explosive, sometimes cold. Either way it ends with the resolve that enough is enough.

Third, compassion. That you hurt her with your anger. That her feelings are real, that she means well, that she wants the same things you do but is torn by her own conflicts. That she's in pain now herself, regardless of what path led to it.

Fourth, remorse. That you should have been more patient. That you need to acknowledge the obvious fact that the things that most matter to you aren't what move other people.

Fifth, depression. That you know full well you'll never have the kind of lasting peace you want so badly. Never in this life, not in this relationship.

This is the outline of your mutual ups and downs over many experiences. What seems striking is how unimportant the individual episodes are. This has been the pattern, from the very beginning.