November 22, 2006:

"How come we've never had a threesome with" our mutual best friend?

That refrain was like a leitmotif for our lives together. Over and over, over the years, after many years, even after all the time and experience and failure and destruction.

You want to talk about this... again?

My own two answers are simple and short:

1. I never have felt that way for her.

2. It would have killed her dead.

That isn't hyperbole. Her fragility was obvious then, as it's obvious now. She trusted us, depended on us. We were friends, we owed her loyalty. We sucked her far enough into our slipstream of mayhem. The suggestion that we might objectify her for purely selfish purposes makes me sick.

Which is all it ever could have been. Taking advantage of a friend for sex. I don't understand how it could have kept coming up, over and over, even after years and experience and failure.

Except, I do understand. It was the most significant warning sign that the relationship was warped, that is, not based on the mutual understanding we told each other it was based on. We called it "communion," but we were lying to ourselves and each other. No communion-sister could fantasize so intently on the destruction of a loved one. As she eventually jumped feet first into my own near-destruction, not reluctantly but with glee and malice, glowing, proud of herself for her "evil," the word she took up with so much relish.