February 21, 2018:
It bothers me that she needs to be so loaded.
Weed and booze, although, she says, the booze is only with me.
The obvious read is that she's uncomfortable. Using intoxicants to anesthetize.
Perhaps there's a more general anxiety issue but to me it seems personal. That her level of ease with me is sustained by inebriation.
That would be painful, for us both, if it were to prove true. My hope is to be good for her. As is almost always the experience for me, I want to protect her if I can.
I know now how naive that is. It's not possible to protect people. Least of all from themselves.