January 2, 2020:
The literature of depression is filled with anecdotes of depressives who felt worthless. "I didn't feel worthy as a human being at all," is how Claudia Weaver is quoted in The Noonday Demon, and that statement is so succinct and so common that it can stand-in here for very many others.
Perhaps surprisingly, I never at any point felt that way. Not for a moment.
I was always, always certain of my value as a human being. That I had worthwhile contributions to make to Life and society. I frequently felt very frustrated that depression prevented me being productive. But I never doubted my personal worth.
Indeed I experienced a kindof feedback loop, definitely a negative one, where the self-knowledge that depression was preventing me from contributing at my true level of ability deepened my depression, making me even less productive. Until I sank into a resigned state of unproductivity, in which my entire energy went into building the professional career I was good at but truly did not value.