January 5, 2020:

It's good she let me see him. This way there have never been regrets, or aimless ponderings of Who was he? or If only...

He was intimidating. But that word doesn't capture it. He had an athlete's grace married to the ruthlessness of a feral predator, like a circling eagle coldly evaluating a landscape. There was ever the sense of a spring about to explosively uncoil, where the violence would be unpredictable yet precise.

His visits left me with the indisputable insight that by living without him I'd dodged the worst possible bullet. So that I can look back at bad or destructive things which did happen and realize, At least it wasn't that.