May 20, 2020:
Those women have grown kids now. The women I desired but declined, 'cos, depression, ethics, fragmentation. They've had families, not with me. They're so fortunate in that. They'd have been miserable.
I wanted no sex but would sometimes pop into adult bookshops on lunch break. Around the corner from strip clubs, sex everywhere I didn't want but would still sometimes gawk. To remind myself of what? What I didn't want.
Those women with grown kids now: that year they offered themselves up. Paralegals, hostesses, servers, receptionists, temps. I was polite but did not respond.
It was about pain. Not mine directly, rather the pain I knew I'd cause them if I accepted their invitations. I was angry, and alone, and totally unwilling to share. So that when I saw the sensitivity in their eyes I couldn't bring myself to it, despite their lovely faces and beautiful curves and soft smells. I would have harmed them and chose, deliberately, not to.
And it was because I understood pain then for the first time. The pain I'd never imagined existed. I couldn't bring myself to cause these wonderful women the hurt they'd have known if I'd said yes to their offers.
Would they remember me now? It would be ironic if they think of me as one who got away. What would my life be now if I'd gotten with him instead?
I know what it would have been. I'm the bullet they dodged without knowing. It would have been their worst disaster, ever.