June 16, 2020:

Those people were false.

I realized this unequivocally in my gap year, when I was no longer invited to outings. Out of sight, out of mind? Not exactly. The reality is that if I weren't being entertaining, there was no use for me.

The relationships had been false even when I had been willing to be entertaining. Where others used charm to manipulate, I used it to impose distance. That's a type of manipulation, to be sure. The ends though were in some ways opposite. Where most of the charming manipulators I've known use charm to take things from people, whether objects or time or commitments, I used it to prevent them knowing me. I wanted nothing from them except to ensure they were unable to have input into my life.

I filled the emptiness with amphetamine and alcohol, and with solitary exploration, of books and the city.

When my period of adolescent onset became overwhelming, I stopped being entertaining. I didn't have the energy. This is when the invitations stopped.

It was a feedback loop. The more I self-isolated, the more I spiraled more and more dramatically into a black depression which was as much about loneliness as brain chemistry.