November 26, 2020:

Loneliness as trigger, exacerbated now by lockdown.

Once upon a time my prescription was: write in cafés. Be where there are voices, the baristas are friendly, it's fun to observe the couples. Where self-isolation was part of a feedback loop, a self-reinforcing artifact of depression which made things worse. Gregarious company is a partial antidote. Along with sunlight, exercise, nutrition, meds, and talk therapy: the ability to be sociable has been central to breaking that spiral.

Kiss that goodbye. Thanks, Covid!

I try to compensate with gregarious Zoom convos with friends. It's not the same. Part of the draw of cafés is specifically the presence of strangers. Seeing a stranger smile is the best buzz in all of creation, especially if she's pretty.

So that I can feel my brain slipping. Skidding and sliding downhill to a dark place I'd for a time successfully escaped.

Thank God for Big Pharma. Where my specially calibrated personal cocktail of chemicals provides a floor below which I'm unlikely to slip. A safety net, not a substitute. A valued friend nonetheless.