March 7, 2021:

An ex made the interesting suggestion: deposit her ashes in Montana, next to her father.

That would be lovely. I believe she would have been happy with that thought.

Selfishly perhaps, I dislike it largely by projection. I hate to be cold. So that I hate the thought of her in a cold place.

My thought is Tecolote Canyon, across the street from where we lived twenty years. I recognize that's again projection. Where she considered it "that ratty old apartment", to me it's my home. It's where I grew up, read books, wrote songs, had sex, got high. It's where I return in dreams, where I often wish to have never left.

Leaving her there — leaving me there when it's my turn — would be like returning to the time before I felt homeless.

This is probably the wrong thing. Montana is probably right. I recognize this, yet am tempted nevertheless. Tempted in part to keep her with me, rather than give her away.