November 5, 2021:

There's a sense in which her irresponsibility matters. It was her choice to retreat inward without seeking help.

Granted therapy is not the hillbilly way. It was unlike her to ever ask questions, for her own benefit or mine. She was passive in that way, although I read that as itself an artifact of childhood abuse.

I often wonder if I could help her now. With sixteen years experience since her death, of meds and therapy and research, I might know better what words to use. Which ignores the obvious caveat that of all the humans in the world I'm the last to whom she would ever, ever, ever listen.