March 28, 2022:
That characterization — "socially inept" — offended me. It was unjust, of course. But it was at the same time symptomatic of lack of attention, where my lover, who in my emotional world was supposed to understand me, clearly did not.
Ironically or not, the reality was pretty much the opposite. Most of our peers liked me, although they found me mysterious. Almost no-one could stand her. They found her vain, untrustworthy, and false.
Which is just as unjust. She wasn't vain, she was confused. There was power to her beauty — power over men. This was new to her, and baffling. So that a major part of her characteristically unconstant behavior was sheer exploration. What does this mean? This power over others? She didn't know, and she had only one avenue for discovery.
Neither was she false. It's more that she oscillated, or you might say, was driven by her findings. Yes, I'm making excuses. For reasons I consider worthy: I was and am sympathetic to her searching.
It's harder to deny she was untrustworthy. That's a fair cop. Ultimately, that was our irreconcilable conflict. Or "contradiction", in older language. I'm loyal, she was untrustworthy. I'm sill being loyal now, half a century later.
What I experienced more clearly than others was manipulativeness. Granted I was the one she most often needed to manipulate. Her label for me — "socially inept" — is itself one concrete example, where her intent was to use that language as a lever to convince me to change my decisions.