July 30, 2022:
I hated the way my father treated his later children.
The boy especially.
Always critical, frequently cutting.
Never good enough.
Ever lacking.
I hated the way my mother treated me.
Habitually distant, to the point of absence.
Always tired, ever inward.
I thought, This is how adults are, when they come home from work.
I was fifty when I realized it's not adults, it was her.
Depression, resignation, apathy.
Withdrawal into interiority: outcome and artifact of childhood abuse.
I learned from them to be self-sufficient.
I like being alone.
I can function at my own pace: be productive on my own time.
It's only lately I've realized how much like her that is.