March 8, 2023:
Why, then? Why agree to live in an atmosphere of lies, random vicious verbal abuse, infidelity, and near-constant life-altering stress?
Because I thought that was all there was for me. Artifact and outcome of major depressive disorder, a darkening of self-awareness where I thought, most emphatically incorrectly, that mutual understanding was predicated on shared illness.
Also because I wanted to help her.
I needed someone to take care of. It's part of my emotional constitution, where this experience and the previous one, despite the harm they inflicted, turned out to be steps toward self-understanding.