June 25, 2023:
I can't stop talking to her in my head.
Things I want her to know about me. And things about herself I feel I've learned, through years of meditation, that is, circling back again and again and around and around, which I wish I'd understood in time. Where the intention is good: to help her get past her obstacles, as well as past some of mine.
Knowing perfectly well she'd have refused on principle to listen.
Once upon a time I walked past her in the corner laundry room. Sitting by herself, a lonely figure, overweight, unhappy, lost in isolation. I'd given up by then; my feelings were hurt; I was angry. Most of all I didn't want to engage with what I knew would be disappointment. So although I saw her through the windows I walked by without greeting; and I'm sure she — poetically enough — failed to see me at all.
I would do that over, if it were possible.