June 26, 2023:
It turned out I lacked the stamina to build the relationship I'd hoped for.
I'd make an attempt, be rejected, often rudely, have my feelings hurt, take time away to regroup and recharge, try try again. This dynamic replayed and repeated again and again, until in the end I made one last heroically stupidly dramatic gesture before rejecting her in what to me was return.
Ever since, I can't stop talking to her in my head.
Perhaps because I need her. For comfort, shelter. Perhaps above all, forgiveness.