April 29, 2020:
Guilt, for my lack of understanding.
Except, my lack of understanding is exactly what she wanted. She put a great deal of effort into it, screening me from the core facts of her life, assiduously, with omissions and miles upon miles of lies, so that it was only after her death that I began to gain insights, fueled largely by her own mother's insistence on sharing her secrets.
So that I never was in a real position to be helpful to her. I not only lacked the necessary skills, I also lacked the necessary information. Knowing what I know now I'd have at least tried to act differently.